Carousels
by Andrejia
Summary: Luka.Abby and their road to Avalon. Set in Season 14. Part Six - Genesis
1. Breathe

**Disclaimer:** I do not own E.R, Luka, Abby & Co.

**A.N.:** A bit of insight on what I think these two might feel about what happened this season. It's going to take a while. Moments,feelings, memories, some Luka/Abby history plus some bits of what happened in the two weeks they spent in Croatia, together. I started writing this last week and added some stuff from 14.12. So, it's a bit spoilerish for those who haven't seen it.

**Timeline**: Abby's been in rehab for a month so this takes place almost nine months after the wedding.

Again, I hope I got it right.

**1.Breathe.**

Eight years.

"_Abby Lockhart, third year"_

Nine months.

"_I wish we could all go."_

Two weeks.

"_My flight leaves tomorrow morning."_

One night.

"_I had a slip."_

A few hours.

"_They said you left. Early, in fact."_

Today.

**Belief.**

Just breathe...He was asleep. It felt like she was watching him forever but still, she couldn't take her eyes off of him. What did he know? Did he know anything at all? Did he feel something was wrong? Some children sense whenever something's wrong with their parents. Some remember for the rest of their lives stuff that happened when they were one or two. Without actually knowing. Maybe just images, sounds…He couldn't…he won't…and even if he will…there's no way he would know what was going on. Maybe one day he'll find out. Maybe one day she'll actually tell him. Tell him what? And why? So he can hate her? Or maybe he'll understand…

She was watching him and it felt like this is what her life is all about. He has no worries, no fears. Content and happy. Beautiful and full of energy. She smiled, picturing him going to school, high school, college…falling in love. He was perfect. How could two people so far from being perfect have such a perfect child? In the midst of it all, she must've done something right to deserve this.

Their hands were clasped and she felt him caressing hers, stroking her fingers, warm and full of hope. Words were still something they couldn't handle very well but now they weren't so afraid to touch each other. Small gestures, shy ones that spoke volumes. It was enough for now, it was all they needed. She tuned her head to look at him and felt lost in his eyes again. He was still hiding a bit but the walls of his fortress were getting smaller everyday. They smiled softly at each other for a moment; the hard part was over. They were on their way back…home. For a new start.

He tightened his hand around hers and closed his eyes. It was a long trip. The trip back home. She watched him for a second or two then closed her eyes as well. She could see the future in his eyes but the past could still be sensed in hers.

* * *

"_Sorry. I was in the shower. Been waiting long?"_

"_That's ok," he grinned as he leaned down to kiss her hello._

_Small drops of water were falling from her hair, lingering. She took the towel she threw on the couch on her way to answer the door and started to dry some soaked strands._

"_Why didn't you use your key?"_

"_Because", Luka started while he closed the door behind him, "you were home…and it wouldn't have been nice for me to walk in on you…just like that."_

"_Oh…I'm glad, though. It gave Mr. Fredrickson time to go down the fire escape", she teased._

"_Mr. Fredrickson? Your old neighbor? He still lives?"_

_She chuckled._

"_There. I meant there", he corrected himself. "If he still lives there. Of course he's still alive. I just thought…he might've moved…since…the last time we …dated"._

_She abandoned the towel again and pulled closer to him, starting to play with his tie, taking it off slowly…_

"_So," she smiled, "we're dating now?"_

"_Umm…I don't think we ever…dated. We skipped a few…traditional steps…"_

"_Maybe we should fix that."_

* * *

Now Luka was asleep too, peaceful. Silent and peaceful. His hand still holding hers tightly. It was a long flight back home and she wished she could fall asleep. But couldn't. Was he dreaming? His eyelids were fluttering from time to time. Maybe he was dreaming about last night. Or maybe about their last night at home. Her memories where somewhat foggy, a big blur. She couldn't remember the exact words but she could remember his face, his voice…his eyes…her feelings…Her eyes, burning red, all dried out. She had no tears left and it felt like she had been crying for an eternity. At the end, she looked like a perfect, petite wax statue with messy hair and trembling lips. And the small movements of her lips were the only reminder of her human nature. Otherwise, she could've easily been mistaken with a doll, with pale skin, like porcelain. She opened her mouth and for a moment she thought she was talking; she could hear her own voice in her head and almost picture the words in her mind. But all that time she stood there paralyzed, she didn't utter a sound. What was there left to say? Too late to apologize; couldn't turn back the hands of time. She never saw him crying before; and it felt like putting salt on her wounds. How long had they been standing there? Minutes? Hours? Days? An eternity… ? Deep breath... 

Another night she wished she could wash away from her memory. Just erase it. Make it better.

Just breathe…inhale, exhale, inhale…deep breath…

He was sleeping…He got more sleep in these past few days than he did in months. Were they strangers? It sure felt like that. Ate together, walked together, talked…slept in the same bed. Maybe not always at the same time. For her, it was a natural reaction; everything was backwards. Days were nights and nights were days. She had to sleep when it was dark outside but her body thought it was still broad daylight. She got used to it after a while. But while she tossed and turned in bed, trying to get some sleep, he was remembering his life. And for her, some things were still pieces of a puzzle. She knew he couldn't sleep. She didn't try to make him sleep, either. She was going to wait for him, whenever he felt ready. And not just once she'd found him in the middle of the night, rearranging photographs, assembling boxes…lost in his dreams.

* * *

"_What's that?" she asked, with eyes staring at something from one of the boxes. _

_He took the rolled canvas__in his hands and unwrapped it. An unframed painting, a bit dusty. _

"_Wow…that's…that's amazing". Honest admiration could easily be sensed in her voice. "But I thought he did only abstracts". She cuddled on the couch surrounded by memories of times long gone. Boxes with clothes, framed pictures, his whole life, his legacy…what made him who he is._

_Envelopes with more images, more photographs. Black and white, some already turned brown, that marked the passing of time, decades and a childhood remembered. Weddings. Family photos. His grandparents with their two sons. The next generation with their own two, each. Only boys. Niko and his boys..and one with just Joe, given by Luka to his father not very long ago._

_Another small box was lying opened next to her. Even more pictures, more moments…more faces…most of them already dead._

"_He did abstracts, mostly," he sighed. "At first, my father tried his hand with some landscapes, but soon decided it wasn't his thing."_

_She smiled while her eyes were trying to catch every reaction. She wanted to touch him, to ease some of his emotions, as he seemed flooded. Maybe just a small squeeze of his hand, let him know she's there…or maybe a hand on his shoulder…or a gentle touch on the back of his neck. To make her presence acknowledged. But she didn't have enough courage…yet._

_He held the painting on his knees, while stroking the imagine with one of his hands….like a desire to be there again, to watch the Sun setting on his childhood's street, the red sky turning dark, slowly._

"_We were always struggling", he started, eyes fixed on the painting, "but one time…when I was about 11…12 maybe…we had a rough couple of months. He didn't ….umm…paint much them. Between his job and us…there wasn't much time. He had only about three or four pieces…this was one of them and the others weren't very different. Sometimes, he was gone for a few days, when he had to go all the way to Zagreb. So he gave my mother the paintings and asked her to find someone who would buy them"._

_Luka smiled. Memories were taking over him, some sad…some happy…they were all vivid now. He could feel the smell of his mother's home made treats, his father's tobacco…see the ocean before his eyes and feel the hot sand underneath his bare feet. "She was always…nagging him. In a very loving way, though. To be more responsible, not to dream so much. And every time he promised he'd be more serious, make some changes…It was their routine. When my father returned from work one day, all the paintings were gone and my mother had money. Not much, but enough to get us through. Even though he was relieved, he somehow hoped she wouldn't find a buyer. But the joy of being able to give us what we needed was bigger than his sorrow."_

_Touch him now. Hold him. Show him. Please…But she couldn't make her body do what her heart and mind desired. She didn't earn it yet…she had still many miles to go. She bit her lip and took the painting from his hands. She began touching it, more maybe to feel the surface his hands were on…A part of him was still there, the corners still warm from his fingers. The only part of him she felt she could touch._

_He lifted both his feet on the couch, as he continued. "For his next birthday, my father got his paintings back"._

"_She bought them back?"Abby said with curiosity._

"_No", he shook his head, "she never sold them. She couldn't. She borrowed money from a friend and hid them in the attic."_

* * *

Joe fussed in his sleep and disrupted her thoughts. Was he comfortable enough? The seat in the airplane wasn't so much "rest material". Luka couldn't even stretch his legs and he was sound asleep. Soon… soon they'll be home. Just breathe…She tilted her head back and closed her eyes. Just breathe… 


	2. Fearless

**A.N. **I found this very, very, very….hard to write (the whole story, not just this part) and it looks like chronological order really hates me. So, this is the only format I could come up with to write this piece, the only one I found satisfying and this actually came to me while writing. I hope it's not confusing. I don't have anything else to say for myself so criticism is more than welcomed.

Usual disclaimers apply.

**2. ****Fearless**

Four years.

_"Do you really think we should be doing this?"_

Six months.

_"You were gone…forever."_

Three weeks.

_"I'm pregnant!"_

Five days.

_"Already getting mail addressed to Mrs. Luka Kovac."_

Three hours.

_"I was tired so I turned off the phone"_

Today.

**Fear**

You know what's the worst feeling anyone can get? It isn't anger; you can always hit something…throw something. Let it out. It can do serious damage if not controlled but it's not that bad. And once it's over, once you get a clean mind again, it somehow seems pointless. Nor shame. You can always fix things. Once you've done something that you're ashamed of, you try to fix this as well. Do something good next time. And you're probably going to be the only one to remember. Guilt, maybe? The kind that eats you inside? Fixed. Make amends. How about sorrow? There's always a ray of light. And hope.

But fear…Fear is something that just won't go away. Not just like that, anyway. There's nothing you can do to fight it. And soon, your whole body surrenders and you can't think straight. Fear…it's like a Devil that crawls in your soul, without even the slightest anticipation, takes it as its prisoner and feeds with all your strength, turning it into weakness .It shatters the soul and brings out the worst. But what happens when it's not something you're afraid of but someone? And it's not the future that scares you the most, but the past?

She was constantly fussing; tried to listen to some music, a book maybe…or just a magazine…something to make time pass faster. Sleep? She could try that. She needed the rest…so she could face them. She tried to ignore all of her fears and closed her eyes.

People. Lots and lots of people. It's too crowded, too hard to breathe. The tunnel seems never-ending and her feet are barely helping her get through this. They gave up a while ago, they gave up as soon as she touched the ground. They felt so heavy... Her whole body gave up and emotions were running wild. Don't let them see it, don't let them know, don't give up…don't…just don't. Her heart was beating fast. Was it still beating? It was so fast that she thought it stopped and a huge void was taking over its job. Something was there…still…something was pounding her chest. It had to be something…right? She felt a rush of blood to her head and felt her cheeks burning with fever. Funny, because her whole body was shivering and she was feeling cold. Her hands were barely holding the luggage and her fingers were trembling. And for the first time in these past few weeks, it wasn't because of the lack of alcohol.

She was dizzy, turning her head everywhere…lifting on her toes and trying to see in the midst of reunions. People with flowers, checking the arrivals timetable, groups of people waiting for their loved ones. A young girl of 20…something, with red, big and messy hair, interrupted her thoughts as she almost knocked Abby over in her rush to join her family, the ones who were waiting for her by the gates. God…how many were there? About…well…more than ten, anyway. You could half expect to see their pets standing there, as well. If they happened to have any, that is. She was probably gone for a long time, it was normal that she'd been missed. And they were noisy…everybody trying to hug her….talk to her…at the same time. Abby smiled and the lump in her throat didn't feel that big for one moment. Maybe…She shook her head.

_A few more steps…you can do it…left…no, no…right first…then left, again right…and_…she felt like fainting, her feet gave in completely to emotions. Her eyes were a tad watery and it felt like dragonflies were taking over her stomach. She smiled and stopped for a second, to put herself together. She tucked a little strand of hair behind her right ear, lowered her look for a moment, smiled again, than walked towards _them._

Joe.

Joe-Joe. Her Joe. Her little miracle, her life, oblivious to all of her wrongs and actions. Holding a small toy, lost in his world. He wasn't crying. He wasn't sleeping. He was wide awake and happy and…waiting for her…missing her. A puffy green jacket on his shoulders…like the one she had. And that's what he was; a miniature of herself.

He saw her. He stopped playing with the little boy and she could see his smile fading. He got up and watched as she came closer. He was almost expressionless but inside, his whole body was aching. Touch her. Hold her, now…Please. But don't let it out, don't let them see, don't, just don't…

_Just breathe…you can do this. Of course you can…you've done things like this before. _

She used to get up almost every morning with a lump in her throat until she could check if Maggie was still there….and alive. Find out about Richard's infidelities…Funny, Richard's infidelities…part of what ruined her first marriage. She couldn't even remember which came first; did her actions and behavior push him into the arms of other women or did she end up like that because of his constant mistakes? Who was the first one to open the door? She didn't know nor care. Not anymore, anyway. But this time…this time it felt like all of her previous emotions, everything she felt during all those times of distress were gathering inside of her and she was restless. Her mother, Richard, her brother's plane, her abduction, Carter and his ring, Joe, Joe in the N.I.C.U., Joe bleeding, Luka and the snowglobe, Luka dead in the Congo, Luka in the hospital, Luka with Ames, Luka and his kiss, Luka and his "just friends" talk, Luka coming home, Luka on the floor, Luka and her confession. Luka and the truth.

Luka. Eyes wide open, with dark circles underneath. "_What time is it there?" "Umm…not that late. I'm still getting used to the time difference, anyway."_ He lied. _"How's your_ _insomnia?"_ But she knew. Just like she knew the real battle was just about to start. Her battle, to try and tear down the wall he hid himself behind.

Luka...

He tried to smile but his lips felt glued. He couldn't even bring himself to say more than "How was your flight?" Simple and without any intonation in his voice. Hold her, touch her…just do it. Do it. She's yours, you can…Is she? She smiled at the little boy as she picked him up. Covering him with kisses, stroking his hair…he grew so much in a month. Being able to hold your child after all this time. She didn't see him for a month but the last time she actually held him was…Too long ago. He watched their reunion then turned to look at her luggage. He picked up the suitcase, handed her the coat and almost whispered "Ready?" like he didn't trust his own voice.


	3. There is Hope

**Disclaimers:** I own my computer and the amazing love/hate relationship I have with it…him…what? Still no sight of Luka, Abby & E.R. here. Not "here" as in…here, in the story but "here" as in…Oh, I just don't own them, ok? There. You made me say it!!!

**Chapter 3.**** There is Hope**

38 years.

_"If not now, when?"_

Four months.

_"I started drinking again."_

Two weeks.

_"I miss Joe and Luka like crazy__."_

Sixty days.

_"I need a little more time" _

One hour.

"_There was a man in my house…with a gun…he's taken my husband."_

Today.

**Hope**

Suitcases, stroller, a backpack with Joe's things…Checking at the gate what they couldn't take on the plane. They were boarding, all three of them. Joe, Luka and…Niko. He never once wanted to break into pieces so much, so he can be in two places at the same time. Although, he was. His body was going away, home, some might say, driven by "the right thing to do" but his soul never left that apartment. He was empty again; hallow. And there was nothing there to fill the void.

_"Where's Abby?"_

_"She couldn't come."_

_"What do you mean she couldn't come?"_

_"She just couldn't, ok? Problems at work…"_

_"She couldn't take time off for our father's funeral?__"_

They were the last in line. And not because they arrived too late. No, not quite. There was another group behind them. Among them, a couple in their sixties. Going to Germany for the holidays. Already talking about what presents should they buy for their children…and grandchildren, holding hands and looking as though life has been very kind to them. Every wrinkle on their face overflown with happiness and content, signs of too much laughter and vivid eyes, as if they had their whole life ahead of them. They looked like they've been married forever and overcame any drawbacks they might've had.

He was clinging to the last shred of hope there was. Maybe she turned the car around. Maybe she came back. Maybe she thought it wasn't that bad. Maybe she decided to do this when they get back. He left her ticket at home, in one of the bags she decided not to take…to _rehab_. She didn't know that, she couldn't. So maybe, just maybe, she was running around the airport, trying to get a ticket. Maybe there weren't any available seats. Maybe he should turn around and check. Maybe her phone wasn't working, maybe the battery went down. He was half expecting her to come running towards him, to tell him that everything is going to be alright, that they'll get through this…together. Maybe if he'll never let her leave his sight again they will be ok. He could do that. Be around her all the time, until she no longer felt the desire to drink. It wasn't that bad. It's not like she was an alcoholic…she just drank too much while he was gone; so he has to be around for ever so that never happens again. No. But if _this time _she has to believe it, does it mean everything else was a lie? Has she been pretending all this time?

He wasn't even aware that he had been staring back at the entrance ever since they got there.

"Sir?"

He was too lost to hear anything and anyone, lost in his mind, thoughts and hopes. His desire was so big he could almost see her, feel her arms and hear her voice saying that she couldn't let them go alone.

Sir? Your ticket, please?

He bit his lip and turned around, plunging his head into the small body he was holding so tight, closing his eyes for a second. His embrace became even tighter, causing the little boy to fuss and raise his head to look at his father. Luka stroked his cheek and ruffled the boy's hair with a sad smile on his face and eyes full of regret. He shifted him to the other arm so he could give the ticket at the gate, then looked back one more time, as the last flame that kept his hope alive died slowly.

"Oh, sorry",he smiled apologetically as he handed his ticket to the woman at the gate.

Joe put one hand around his father's neck and tilted his head on his shoulder, as Luka carried him not towards the future, but to face his past.

"Have a nice flight!"

* * *

Get up, coffee, feed Joe, talk to people, more coffee, clean the house, play with Joe, arrange boxes, feed Joe, ignore phone calls, bathe Joe, look through photographs, put Joe to bed, close the door to the bathroom, cry, go to bed, sleeping pills, cry, get up, more photographs, cigarettes….maybe a sandwich…no…just a bite. Morning, get up, coffee, feed Joe, coffee, launch at his brother's, watch Joe play, coffee, go home, feed Joe…Abby. Sit in the dark and just stare…at nothing in particular. Maybe watch the cigarette burning… 

A wonderful routine that gave him second thoughts about his life…Was he still alive? Maybe it was just a nightmare…But her voice was real, dragging him back in the world. Where was he? Did something happen and he died? It felt like he was in Purgatory, forever waiting to be judged for every little crime he committed. He was in limbo, without knowing what's worse. The past or what's yet to come. It's all part of a master plan…everything happens with a reason…But why was he spared so many times? Why should he be the lucky one? He must've done something terribly wrong in one of his past lives and now he was paying for it.

Get up, coffee, feed Joe…Joe. The only part of him that was still beautiful, still alive. He had to stay strong; he had to get through this…for Joe. Joe needed him. He did. But Joe woke up sometimes during the night. And Luka realized then he can't breathe…without her.

They talked…when she could. Whenever the phone was ringing his heart jumped out of his chest. The first few times they didn't even know what to say…just held the receiver to hear each other breathing. He could almost feel her warm breath and it was the only thing that brought him back to the real world. Stop living in his head, stop feeling like a zombie. Trying to find his way back to sanity, holding on tight to a voice so full of melody he could write lyrics on.

And they talked…they did…he wasn't making up things. And even if their conversations revolved around Joe, it didn't mean that they weren't talking at all…Or did he? He didn't even know what was real and what wasn't anymore…He was going crazy. But thousands of miles apart and still he felt her closer than when he was at home…


	4. Have Mercy

**4. ****Have Mercy**

A year.

_"We don't talk much…anymore"_

Two months.

"_I thought I'd at least get a postcard"_

A few weeks.

"_He's comfortable there; I could hear it in his voice"_

One day.

"Luka was going to try and get a flight out today so hopefully he'll be here tomorrow"

Hours.

"When you get home, I have a surprise for you."

Today.

**Mercy**

As soon as she entered the house, she couldn't help but notice the ashtray full of cigarette butts he forgot to empty in his hurry to pick her up. "I see you've been eating well." But he felt too shy to answer. What was there to say? That these past few weeks went by like a nightmare? That he used to get up in the middle of the night, his eyes filled with terror? Not tonight.

Their whole attention went to Joe the first couple of days. Taking him places…somehow using him as a reason not to talk. Were they avoiding each other? They were talking…But they weren't _talking…_

And today, as they left the house to take Joe to the park, they could see a shy ray of light coming out of the clouds.

* * *

Silence. 

His head was tilted, his chin almost touching the chest, as he watched her. What could he say? What should he say? How should he start? She sat at the other side of the table, looking around, glancing at the new found place. They were alone, no Joe, no one to give their attention to. She tried to face him from time to time, throwing him sheepishly looks, awkward smiles, as she could feel his eyes darting her.

"Your…your mom?" she stuttered, pointing at one photograph on the wall.

Luka turned his head to look at the little black and white picture.

"Uh-uh", he murmured.

She tried to smile again, nodding.

"She was beautiful."

Silence. She took a deep breath, smiled to herself and looked down. Rubbed her hands together, her palms sweaty from nervousness. She never wished this much for Joe to wake up or at least fuss a little in his sleep. For the phone to ring…or maybe for the world to end. Anything but this.

"Guess what! I finally told everyone!" she blurted out.

"Told what?"

But he knew the answer.

"Umm…people were…" she sighed, "were wondering about…where I had been…and…"

"What did Anspaugh say?"

"The usual…90 meetings in 90 days, diversion groups, random tox screen".

"90 days?!? Isn't that a little too harsh?"

"Luka…"

"You checked yourself into a facility; doesn't that mean anything to them?"

"It did…I got off easy."

"Easy?" he nodded abruptly.

What was she going to say? That she was getting extra punishment for the two weeks leave she wanted to take so she could be with them? So he could feel even more responsible? No. He doesn't need to know…_everything_

Silence.

They were face to face, across the kitchen table…in his father's house…in his house…on his territory…but now neither of them had the courage to look the other straight in the eyes.

"So…are you going to tell me? About…about what happened…" He waited long enough.

"I said I will. I know I haven't been quite good at …umm…keeping my promises lately but…"

"Just tell me what happened." He rubbed his fingers together, trying hard to repress the desire to touch her hand, to make it easier for her.

"What do you think it happened?"

_I slept with Moretti._

"It doesn't matter what I think. I just want to know."

"So…"

"So."

"What do you want to know?"

"Everything. The truth."

_I slept with Moretti._

She smiled softly and nodded, taking a deep breath. "The truth…" she started softly then continued, this time very sure of herself "The truth is…you know…I wasn't myself, for quite a long time. And I lost sight of almost everything. My career, who I am…Joe…But if there was ever anything that I felt certain about was how…much…I love…you. Both of you". She shrugged. "It was the only reminder I had while everything else fell to pieces."

"Where were you the night my father died?" It came out softly, almost pleading. Not inquiring nor demanding. He needed to know if the truth matched his thoughts.

"At Neela's…my old apartment. When you came home I thought everything would be back to normal…I thought that I would just stop. And when I couldn't, I started hiding out at my old place…"

She ran her hands over her mouth, remembering a time she lived through a thick fog. He kept staring at her, trying to guess her every thought, trying to see past the surface…to see any hint, anything that might betray her. Trying to absorb everything.

He bit his lower lip. "What else happened?"

_I slept with Mor__e__tti_

"First, I used to wait until Joe was asleep. Soon, as fast as I could get the sitter out, I drank. I ended up going home early to have more time to drink. Pass out on the couch, two or three times on the floor. Then one day…umm…I had a blackout. "

Abby was chocking. Wasn't this room bigger a few minutes ago? How come all of the sudden she was claustrophobic?

"Umm…Greg and Morris were…were celebrating passing the boards…at Ike's. I didn't want to go at first…I went home, got drunk and decided I shouldn't miss the fun". She smiled, ironically. "Soon….umm…everyone left but I…I wanted to drink some more so…"

All this time, she was looking down. Never once had enough courage to look him in the eyes. But he did. This time he did. He kept staring, the way a painting of a portrait seems to follow you around. His eyes were fixed, with only one purpose. Was he blinking at least? She could feel his eyes on her and they were burning like fire. He didn't even seem to be breathing anymore. Just waited, his heart full of anxiety and anticipation.

"…so I stayed behind". She turned around to face him only to realize that he had been trembling the whole time. His entire body, every little inch of him was begging her…was begging for her mercy. His eyes were fixed, but filled with fear; he was still breathing but so fast, one could barely notice his chest rising. His head was tilted a little to the right as he was watching her, pleading.

"A few more glasses later and I blacked out."

_I let him take me home, I kissed him and he kissed me back. The glass was empty and I wanted more. So he offered. And I took it. But the glass was always empty and I was thirsty. Then I had a dream where I could see my body doing stuff and I had no control over any movement. And in my dream, I was seeing you; I was smiling and you were smiling back. But the dream turned into a nightmare when I woke up and saw what happened._

She wiped the tears from her cheeks and eyes and lowered her look again.

_"_When I came around…_"_

_He was there and my clothes were on the floor and I was naked and so was he and I couldn't remember and he called me "honey", like I was his and I panicked and he touched me and I felt dirty and I wanted to see you and …_

He was on the verge of crying too. A blink away from the flood. And she knew that. He was craving for her mercy.

"It was late, it was so late…and I went home…I panicked….I woke Joe up and got him dressed and packed a few stuff…I drove drunk with our baby in the back seat!…And I went to the airport…" she shook her head and started sobbing. "I'm so ashamed…" she tried to hide her face in the palm of her hands; she wanted to imagine that it wasn't her doing all of those things; she wanted to hide from the pain, the shame…and the fear. She wanted him only to hear the words, not see them coming from her mouth. "They almost called security", Abby continued,"…I started demanding for them to give me a ticket…I needed to see you. God!" she paused a little. It was too much. "Because of the power blackout, there were no flights…And showing up here, with Joe, like that…..So…I just sat there…drunk…in the middle of the night…trying to make Joe stop crying…trying to imagine that this wasn't my life…"

_And I couldn't touch you. I couldn't because I was dirty and he was dirty and when he touched you, you took his hand and I felt like he stained you as well and I couldn't do that and I could feel my stomach turn with disgust and I tried washing but he was there and my skin turned red from scrubbing but he was there and you said you missed me and I couldn't do that but I did and I ruined it because everything that was pure and innocent between us was now black and smudged and my body was stained and just the thought of you touching me made me shiver because I wasn't clean enough…and I slept with Moretti…_

"I did so, so many things I never once thought I was capable of…endangering Joe, oblivious to everything that meant something to me…to us…I wanted to stop so much…so much…but I couldn't. It was like I was trying to mess things up. And I couldn't even look at you; sometimes, I hoped that you'll figure it out by yourself…and just waited…and drank…That's all I wanted to do…that's all I've done. Lose myself in a glass…drink until I could forget everything….and it's all I've done."

_Have mercy…_

Was he wrong thinking the way he did? Maybe…No. He was. This was Abby. Abby was standing right there in front of him and she needed him. This time she needed him. And this time he wasn't going to walk away. He took a minute and starting blinking fast, like he just got up from a long sleep, coming out of a trance. He fought away the tears and slowly placed his right hand on hers.

They sat there in silence for a few more moments. Then, they started talking about treatment and meetings…and about the changes they both need to make. Just a small, neutral conversation, a bridge to connect their past with their future.

Everything was out. Everything? It was. After a while, she got up and excused herself to the bathroom. She entered the room and closed the door behind her, looking around for a bit. She was breathing fast, taking deep breaths, turning her head around, not actually seeing anything. She felt like she was chocking, like there was not enough air, like she was having and anxiety attack. She rubbed her forehead for a moment and turned on the water, then just sat on the brim of the bathtub and let it all out. It was too much…she had to let everything out…she needed to brake down and just cry. To free herself…

She couldn't, she just couldn't. Wasn't it enough? It was her cross to wear and she just couldn't. No more. She's done enough. And it was enough. It was the truth. She drank. And drank some more. And everything else was just a consequence. It was true. She didn't lie. That was everything and nothing else mattered. It didn't for her and it won't for him. Why does he have to be the lucky one? Why should he be spared? Because she loved him…she did. She does. And it was the only truth she ever got to know.

She was sitting there, with her face buried in her hands, sobbing…She looked up from time to time, like she was asking for help…and forgiveness.

It didn't take him too much to realize. He was standing on the other side of the door, still debating whether to open it or not. He reached out his hand to touch the door knob and stopped for a second, closing his eyes. But he could hear her and it broke his heart…again…He gathered all of his emotions, all of his thoughts, hopes and dreams, shattered moments and happy times. Danijela, the kids, his little girl dying, a gun pointed at him too many times, Joe, Joe in the N.I.C.U., Joe hurt, his father, Abby and her kiss, Abby and Carter, Abby hurt, Abby bleeding, Abby on the floor, Abby crying…Abby and the truth. Abby. He gathered them all and turned them into strength, so powerful that nothing seemed impossible. And he opened the door.

He moved slowly towards her and wrapped his arms around her small body.

"No more hiding…" His voice was sweet and calm, filled with everything she needed…hope, love…forgiveness.

He softly kissed the top of her head and tightened his embrace, rocking her gently back to sanity as she allowed him to take away some of the anguish.

"No more…."

* * *

**A.N. **When the spoilers for "300 Patients" came out I was sure that Abby was going to tell Luka about the "night of endless passion" with the bald werewolf. And still think that the original piece had the full confession in. But in the end, I just couldn't do it. And although it was implied, I'm inclined to think that she will keep this to herself, if we ever get to see them again. 

I hope this doesn't seem forced or fast paced.

After this, I really need a drink…or five .


	5. Faithful

_Usual disclaimers apply._

_This takes place after the last chapter posted. The next one is the last.Many thanks to Jana from TDWD for the Croatian part._

**5.Faithful**

One Year.

_"__Why don't you just break up with me?__"_

Six months.

_"I__t's what you're supposed to give__ your girl when __you haven't seen her in a long time__."_

A few weeks.

_"I'm not having a meltdown"_

One day.

_"Why didn't you answer your cell?"_

A few hours.

_"Let's get married…tonight."_

Today.

**Faith**

A lazy and half asleep sun was making its presence acknowledged across the winter sky. When she arrived, there were still mountains of snow scattered on each side of the street. Now, it melted and left behind too many ponds, everywhere. The sky was still grey, but was starting to slowly turn into icy blue. It somehow changed his mind, had a change of heart; something was warming it up. The global warming? Maybe. And maybe not.

She finally managed to drag herself out of bed. 1:30. P.M. Getting better everyday. She looked around the house but soon noticed she was all alone. She felt like she was walking on thin ice, still getting used to the place. Made her way to the kitchen, then the living room, between the boxes and the wheel chair ramps he had to take down. Where was he? Where were they? She shrugged, and sat on the couch. One of the boxes caught her attention as she realized she never once looked through the pictures. Really look, not shy glances. Only at those that were still hanging on a wall. Abby picked up one of the envelopes but stopped for a minute, as she wasn't sure that she was supposed to be doing that. She felt like she was invading his privacy on some level and the fact that he wasn't at home made it worse.

She pondered the thought for one more second then opened the envelope and smiled. His father with some friends, relatives maybe, his parents, some kids that didn't seem to be either Luka or his brother, people at the beach, sunny days and the cold winter sky, years and years gone by. Luka. 10. Maybe older. Broad smile and happy eyes. Not a worry in the world. She pictured Joe. She wished Joe would grow up to be like that. His father's eyes and height…her nose, her lips with his dimples…

Another one. Older. Luka and Niko at the beach, Niko and a group of girls, Luka and his father, Luka in a uniform. Military. She smiled, somehow feeling proud, without actually knowing why. Another…a postcard. No words written on the back, just an image, no stamp.

"Hey."

"Hey". She turned around and placed the photos on a table nearby.

"When did you get up?"

"About….five minutes ago."

"Where were you guys?" Abby came closer and took Joe in her arms.

"Shopping. I feel like cooking launch. Or breakfast. Depends how you look at it." He glanced at the table only to notice the pictures.

Luka put the grocery bag aside and picked up the postcard. He smiled softly and got lost in the image for a few seconds.

"What's that?" she asked.

"Umm…Vukovar. Before the war, though."

She panicked for a bit, not knowing what to say or what to do. Hold his hand? Say she's sorry? Ask a few questions about the difference between now and…then? She looked down for a second, trying to find the appropriate words. But he wrapped one arm around her shoulder and she realized there was no regret in his eyes. Looking back at just an image, not picturing himself there. Connecting his past to his present…to his future. He wasn't lost; he was there, with her. And they were alone…

He turned around and started caressing her hair, playing with some strands."I should take you there, someday. It's beautiful. Or go driving along the coast on a summer's day…Dubrovnik, Split…So many things I want to show you…and Joe. "

She watched him for a few more moments, trying to capture his every emotion, to guess his every thought. But she could feel him there, with her. Belonging to her. And no one else was there.

She smiled. "I'd love to."

* * *

Baby steps…and not just Joe's. How could two people who share a child feel so awkward around each other? Breakfast, launch, dinner, walks in the park, sightseeing…sharing a bed, reaching out for each other with a small touch of a hand. She didn't dare to move the first night he wrapped his arm around her. She was afraid he'll pull away. Soon, when it was night and she was sheltered by its darkness, she found courage to turn around and let him caress her to sleep. And with every day that went by, the space between them became smaller. 

"Žaba!"

"This? This is 'žaba'?" Abby took the toy frog from the floor and handed it to Joe.

She was starting to get a little frustrated. It's not like she didn't want him to know his father's language but somehow she felt like this was a party nobody invited her to join. She could picture them in a few years…talking in Croatian to each other, while she would just sit somewhere, close to them, smiling and nodding politely. It was the time when Joe was in full development and picked up everything around him; she felt proud, happy and a bit sad at the same time.

Luka slid on the couch to join them, a bit amused by Abby's constant struggles to repeat the few words Joe said.

"I think he's going to be a moody one", he started.

She couldn't suppress a laugh. "Yeah, wonder where he got that from."

"Me? I'm moody?" Luka raised his eyebrows in bewilderment.

"Noooo…of course not. Neither am I."

He started caressing the small of her back then whispered something in Croatian to Joe, pointing at Abby with a devilish smile on his face.

"You know…" she said, looking down for a moment, "…this really isn't fair."

"What?"

"This…" She pointed her finger at both Luka and Joe. "Your little…boys' club."

"Boys' club? Can we have secret handshakes and matching…"

"I just….I just…Sometimes…" _Just say it!_ _He can't read your mind. No more pretending. No more hiding. There's a problem…ask for help. __Simple as that._ "I feel a little left out." _Where did that c__ome from? Fix it, fix it, __fix__ it! Fast_ "But…no…I mean…I'm happy…that…that…"

"Well…maybe you can learn along with Joe. It's not that hard."

"Yes, it sounds very easy!"

He laughed and looked at her in an adoring way, with his head tilted a bit to the side so he can get a better look. What happened? How did they forget each other? Forget …_this._ There was nothing in between and he could barely remember how he managed to stay away…so long. Without looking at her face, holding her hand…her warm breath on his lips…

She took a deep breath and smiled. "Maybe we could try that."

Abby turned her head to face him as her smile faded and realized that this was the first time in a very, very…very long time they were actually _looking _at each other. They were both a bit shy and she felt her heart racing. It wasn't like they were at the beginning of a new relationship; it wasn't like they didn't know each other. It wasn't like those times you get butterflies in your stomach during the first date, when you feel awkward but in that funny way that makes you want to get over with it yet and…"seal the deal". But this time…emotions weren't just gathering inside her; they were becoming her.

He gently stroke her arm, like a sculptor taking mental notes of a woman's curves, his gaze following his fingers, getting to know her again. He felt like he was exploring new territory and wasn't so sure of himself. It wasn't like this was a first ….for any of them. It wasn't like they didn't know each other. But this time…it felt like they were children…teens, feeling the first tingles of love. Luka stroke her face as she closed her eyes and lost herself in the moment, only to feel a few seconds later his warm breath on her cheek then his lips barely touching hers. With his kiss, he washed away all the memories of past men, those who touched her and left marks on her heart, all of her fears and sorrows, while she took away all of his doubts.


	6. Genesis

**6.Genesis**

Carousels…

"What did she say?"

"That we're landing in a few minutes."

He rubbed his eyes for a moment, still trying to wake up. "Did you get any sleep?"

Abby smiled."A bit."

Carousels…up and down…up…and down. Up. And down. Body, skin, deep within, breaths of air, feeling bare. Colors and smiles, laughs and lights. Belief, fear, hope, mercy, faith. Feelings that take over you. Feelings buried deep inside. Keep it in or let it out. Up and down. Up and down. Happiness and joy, anguish and sadness. Floating on emotions…Riding carousels…Humanity.

* * *

"_Now what's this?" She smiled, amused at the sight of the huge flower arrangement he held in front of him._

"_Just felt like it. And I noticed you like flowers", he grinned._

_She took the fresh colorful bouquet from him and headed for the kitchen._

"_You know," Abby started, while pouring water into a vase, "I actually have a thing for dried ones."_

"_I know….but…they're kinda sad…for my taste." He came closer and started kissing her softly on the back of her neck._

"_They're not that sad…maybe a bit dark…and…"_

"_And you like…sad and dark?"_

_She turned around and started to unbutton his shirt._

"_I don't know…maybe it's time to change that."_

_He lifted her gently and placed her on the counter so that their height difference wasn't so big anymore. She smiled broadly and lowered her gaze, just like a schoolgirl on the first date. It was just the beginning…a new start after another ending._

* * *

"It's colder in Chicago".

They were waiting for their bags. Patiently. In less than an hour they're going to be home.

"Yeah…Have you seen my gloves?" Abby asked. "I know I've put them here somewhere."

"Umm…they're not in the backpack?"

"No…" she looked around, frowning. "I just hope I don't freeze to death …It wasn't this cold when I left."

"It should get warmer soon." He smiled. It was one of those small talks they were so used to…no more worries…just now. Today.

Carousels…up and down…up…and down. Up. They were riding carousels but this time, it felt like they were only going up. Floating on emotions, feeling warm and safe.

* * *

_It was cold. The kind of cold that creeps deep inside of you. Wind that feels like needles on your face… dried, sore lips. The sun felt shy…and tired of fighting. It gave up and big, silvery clouds took over the sky. Not a soul was around and if it hadn't been for them, he would've thought he was the last one alive on the face of Earth._

_The cemetery was empty, not even panhandlers in sight. Everyone took shelter from the cold. His hand was freezing and the stone was so cold, he could barely touch it. Still, he couldn't take it away. It was all there was left of his father. A tombstone. With a name. "Josip Kovač." He kept stroking it, just like…when you've just cleaned a surface and you want to take away every little piece of dust there is left. _

_Luka stood up, his eyes still fixed on the grave for a few more moments._

_Up._

"_What time is Niko expecting us?" __**Fear.**_

_He turned his head around and gave them a short glance. "Umm…about now."_

_And down._

_Her nose was red, just like her ears and she kept her chin buried deep in her scarf. "So, did you tell him?" She smiled. The last wall to tear down. __**Hope.**_

"_It's not his business."_

"_Luka…he's your brother and I threw him out of the house. He deserves to know why."__**Belief**_

_He turned around to face her but didn't answer._

_Up._

"_If you're not going to tell him", she continued softly, "I will"._

_There was no way he could win this. "OK." He smiled. "We'll do it together."_

_After a while, she spoke again. "Greg called this morning. I'm back in the schedule starting Friday. What are __**you**__ going to do?"_

_And down._

"_I don't know." He shrugged, adjusting his coat. "I don't even know if I have a job. I have to talk to Anspaugh again."_

_Up._

"_You can take your time. And…even if Anspaugh says no – which, I'm not saying he will, but if he does…we'll figure it out." __**Faith.**_

"_Yeah…"_

_And down._

"_And…I'm going to…umm…I have to keep going to meetings…" Abby looked down._

_Up._

"_I know." He closed his eyes for a moment._

_And down._

"_That means I can't stop…it'll always have to be a part of me…"_

"_Us". He corrected her._

_She pondered the thought for a few moments. "You know…" she said, as she turned around to face him, "In the midst of it all, I must've done something right to deserve this. All of this."_

_He came closer and wrapped one arm around her shoulder, caressing her hair with the other._

"_You have. You woke me up and brought me back to life."_

_Abby adjusted Joe in her arms, closed her eyes and took his hand in hers. Luka smiled, and took the little boy from her._

"_Hey, Joe", he smiled, "You want to light a candle for your grandfather?"_

_He knelt next to his son and helped him place the candle on his father's grave, saying a few words in Croatian. Then he stroke the name one more time and kissed Joe on the top of his head. Abby watched them for a second, then came closer and sat next to them._

"_I wish I could've met your father"._

_He took a deep breath. "Me too." __**Breathe…**_

* * *

Sometimes we make mistakes. Sometimes we can get pass them and sometimes we just have to live with them. Life is all about choices and whatever road you might have ahead of you, there's always another, maybe still hidden in the midst of emotions, maybe smaller and maybe, just maybe, easier. You just have to take whatever life gives you, make the best of it and choose not only with your mind but with your heart as well.

"No?"

The little boy shook his head again.

"You're not hungry?"

Abby gave up. She took his little puffy jacket and started dressing him. The airport was full and noisy, people running around like crazy, some trying to catch their flight, some saying goodbye or hello to their family.

"Ok. This is about it. Umm…you're holding Joe?" He approached them, carrying all of their bags.

She got up and took her…their son in her arms.

"Yeah. Need help with some of those?"

"No…no. I'm good. I hope we can find a cab."

She smiled to him and adjusted Joe in her arms so she can hold him tighter.

"Hey, Joe… We're going home."

He took a moment to watch them and smiled to himself. Home? Maybe. For him, anywhere they were was "home". This was just the beginning…a new start after another ending.

A few hours.

"_You're up!"_

One night.

"_I've been at the hospital with my father."_

Two weeks.

"_You want us to go without you?_"

Nine months.

"_I miss you; already do."_

Eight years.

"_By the way, I'm Luka Kovač."_

Today.


End file.
